i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
why is half of my head shaved?
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