just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
