Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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