I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
