I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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