hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
