Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
