no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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