We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
