worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
