I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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