I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I didn't notice because vodka
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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