I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
