which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
