don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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