She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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