Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
