The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
