Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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