I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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