i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
