Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
