If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Randomize
