she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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