There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
