u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
