In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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