Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
