seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
nutella sex= disaster
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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