I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
