FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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