***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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