to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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