I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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