I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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