Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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