One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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