well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
