Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
