i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
