Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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