i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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