We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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