I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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