You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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