I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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