Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
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his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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