Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
