She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
