if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
