allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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