I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
